My husband has come safely home and we are all still adjusting. Things didn’t smoothly fit into place as I assumed they would, but they are good nevertheless. See, I had this idea in my head that as soon as he walked back through the door my husband would remember everything about the daily life in our house. I had one of those cheesy movie scenes in my head…the ones where someone is walking and all of a sudden they stop like they have hit an invisible wall (only the top half of the wall. Their feet always seem to take an extra step or two and they are doing the Matrix-leaned-back pose) and you watch as with sheer force, all their memories come back from before they got amnesia or whatever. Yeah…that didn’t happen. This has been a process…an evolution.
The baby runs around the house yelling “DADADADADA” as often as “MAMAMAMAMA” and that is nice to see. They play and fight and are still figuring each other out, but have come a long way in a short time. The older boys are adjusting as well, but I think it was easier for them. They were very conscious on a verbal level that he was gone and what that meant. The baby, I think, just knew in his soul that he was lacking. And now he is not.
I am a tired Mumma at the end of the day, still, but it is a more comfortable tired. There is something amazing in knowing simply that there is another adult in the house. When Chris was gone, I did all the day-to-day stuff, but the ache in my heart was pushed aside for the sake of sanity. I gave myself as little time as possible to feel sorry for my self in my husband’s absence. I functioned, loved my kids and survived. There is another layer to life with him home. It isn’t all peaches and cream, but it is wonderful. The man I married is my soul mate…ok. The SECOND man I married is my soul mate. (Come on, baby. That was a little funny)
The man I am married to is my soul mate. He is the one that I want to tell when something horrible has happened. When you only talk on the phone every couple of weeks that is not easy. He is the one that I want to nudge with my elbow and giggle until we cry as we sit on the couch together when Spencer starts spinning in circles until he can’t walk straight any more or when he tries to throw a moth…moth squish, really, into the air and it sticks to his hand and he absent-mindedly wipes it on his leg as he searches the air for the moth he knows he just helped fly. Yup. Spencer caught a moth tonight and loved it to pieces. He was so proud of himself and he loved it dearly. It was very Of Mice and Men.
Because the man I love is at home with us again, I am able to experience all these things with him. I am very blessed to have the friends I have. Without my blood relatives, Jaymi and Riley,Marc, Ashley Josh and Elija, Amy Peter and Vivian, Meg and Kyle, and many others, I would have fallen apart. They were all here when I needed them and I love them dearly for that. But they are not Chris.
I am rereading what I have written so far and all of this post looks like Ode to Chris. I even thought of re-titling it. Lol. But this is all true. I have traveled a path that ten or even five years ago I could have never foreseen, but I have done it and I have come out triumphant.
This blog is titled “Working on Creative Chaos.” Some days are more of the Working part, others the Creative aspect. Most, especially in a small house with six people in it, are absolute Chaos. But I started this blog to write my life, my truth. And tonight’s truth is a deep appreciation for my husband and all he sacrificed for us and our country and appreciation for the fact that he is home and safe.