For the second day in a row, I have watched my 5-year-old board the bus for Kindergarten. A full day of school for the boys and a busy, much quieter, day of housework for me. It was bittersweet to watch Kayden ride off yesterday. I was excited for him because he is more than ready for this adventure. I was sad for me because my little boy is so big. I had panic attacks all day yesterday. I expected to get a phone call that he was having anxiety issues. No calls came and at 3:30 the bus brought him home smiling and displaying those wonderful dimples. We had survived the first day of Kindergarten. Today is better, though much more sleep deprived. I am still getting used to waking up to get the boys off to school. I am avoiding naps despite the protests of my body. If I give in it will become habit. I am forcing myself to adjust abruptly. Though I am tired, I am still getting much accomplished in the absence of the boisterous boys. Spencer, though home, still takes naps. I am jealous.
I love to think that my life is a series of cycles, spinning day by day. However, I have noticed upon examining closely that my life is a series of fits and starts. I have a need to divest my whole being into something and then something new catches my eye and I immerse myself in that. Thus the two novels I am currently working on. Back and forth. I tend to follow where passion leads me. When I feel something, I feel it all over. I get all-consuming feelings of right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. For some reason, emotionally, it is difficult for me to find any gray area. All or nothing. Heart and soul. I have been that way my whole life. Relationships, school work, jobs…everything. Living on a whim, maybe.
But what am I teaching my children? I like to think that I am teaching them to follow their dreams, their passions, their loves. But is that a real way to live? It has led to countless mistakes on my part and I am sure it will lead to many more. All the mistakes I have made, however, have led me to where I am today. When someone tells you at the climax of a tragic incident that everything happens for a reason and that there is a master plan of which we are not aware, this advice is not at all helpful or soothing. For me, anyway. Quite the opposite. But at the calmer moments, when I sit and reflect on where I am now and how I got here I can see clearly that this is all true. Had I not gone through all I have been through I would not be who I am today. Had I not started over in a new town, I never would have enrolled in the college class in which I met the love of my life. I can clearly see how each decision I have made, each difficulty that I have overcome, how the chain of events in my life has brought me home.
I have four children as I have always known I would and have always wanted. Though they are not all from my body they are all my children. I had pictured girls somewhere among my flock, but it seems that was not to be. I have a husband who supports my dreams and loves me for who I am. I am not lacking in material comforts. I have friends who love me and are loved in return. Through perseverance, I am steadily trying to overcome my habitual clutter and disorganization and am doing well. Perfection in this has not yet been attained, but I will not give up. Above all, I am writing after years of trying to quiet the inner speaking and ache of my soul. My life is a treasure and after 29 years of life and searching for who I am, though I don’t have all the answers, I am content. Blissfully content.